1000 Sleepless Nights

I never imagined that one of grief’s side effects would be too many sleepless nights. This is another one of those nights. Sometimes I get to fall asleep quickly, then sadly a few hours later I find myself wide awake and unable to go back to sleep. I guess this is where I am grateful not to have to be up for a job the next day. I find myself asking God, why am I awake and what do you want from me? Then I start praying or writing.

Different View

It has occurred to me that this is more testing I must go through so I can be a better minister to those in need. All those years I spent with law enforcement being at the side of families who lost a loved one. Knowing there was nothing I could say but now I get to see grief from a different view. It had been over 20 years since I had experienced such a great loss. You know the kind that feels like you’ve been kicked in the stomach so hard you can’t catch your breath. Only this time that kick feels as though it came from a bull. The depth of grief when your spouse dies is completely different than when you have a parent or other family member die. No matter how long you have been married, the grief cuts you deep.

Nights Seem Endless

When sleep seems to evade me the nights seem endless. As I glance over at the clock on my nightstand only minutes have passed by. How can that be, it feels like hours should have passed by. Time can be so cruel because it does not heal and it does not make things easier. It simply forces you to learn how to live with the loss. Yes, it’s another sleepless night and is it crazy that I am now so used to them I don’t even care. Those endless nights although are random they are far too frequent and leave me to exhausted to think. Secretly I long for a time when sleep will not evade me.

Fighting through Grief

My faith is what saves me every time. It is what gives me the courage to stay in this fight, and going through grief is a fight. You have to wrangle so many different feelings some times they are like a flood. Because you can be fine one minute then find yourself wanting to curl up on the floor and cry your eyes out. Oh yes, there can be laughing so hard it hurts but then there are tears to the point you don’t think you can stop. You know you have to go on but you are not sure how. Then in only a matter of minutes that can all change and new feelings emerge. Your emotions are like a roller coaster out of control so you hang on and hope for the best?

So when I’m feeling hopeless and unable to sleep, I’ve decided that it’s a reminder to pray for others. Taking the focus off myself and putting it where it needs to be, on God. Listening to his voice and direction on who and what to pray for. The endless nights then don’t seem so endless, and functioning the next day isn’t such an arduous task.

“Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits.” (Psalm 103:2)

We experience God’s strength in the stress of our struggles.

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