How can I ever begin to explain what my feelings are at this time? I know that my faith is the only thing that has sustained me up to this point. It may seem far fetched to someone who doesn’t understand or believe in Jesus. It’s faith and the belief in his promises to me that give me the strength to keep on keeping on.
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I know that Jesus’s death is what provided me with a place in heaven and I believe it was his resurrection that gives me hope for a future filled with his love and blessings. In his time all things work out for his glory. I have seen countless times how things have just happened that I had hoped for but didn’t know how it could become a reality. Then I am reminded Not by my power but by his. The apostle Paul said it this way: “I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong”. (2 Corinthians 12: 10) NASV
Faith not anger
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t see the image of how I found Tom that fateful night in November. But each time it appears I remind myself that it was Jesus who stayed there at my side to guide me through. Being angry only keeps me from staying close to the Lord. My faith is all I have left and it’s that faith which is guiding my thoughts, actions, and choices. His words tell me that: “God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and be assured that He will turn every situation to our advantage” (Romans 8:28) NLT
Faith over Fear = Peace
On those days I feel such a sense of peace I know it comes from Jesus and his unconditional love for me. Even though I am faced with finding and building a new life, I know and trust that thru Jesus I will not be walking alone. It’s a peace that passes all understanding and only the kind of peace you get from trusting, believing, and knowing God loves you. So today I receive that healing and all his blessings.
“We know the love that God has for us, and we trust that love… because God’s perfect love drives out fear.: (1John 4:16) (NCV). With all that is going on in our world today, it would be very easy to become fearful. But living in fear only causes stress and worry and we are not designed to worry. Most of life is out of my control and when I accept that and concentrate on what I can control which is my emotions then I can live with peace. It all comes back to trust in the Lord. So many times I have heard comments about how did I manage to do all that I did after Tom’s death? How can I not be angry at the Lord for letting him die? My only reply is that anger will not bring him back, and it will not give me the comfort I need to stay close to Jesus. It will only rob me of the ability to function the way I know the Lord wants me to function. That does not mean I don’t hurt deeply or not miss him, it’s quite the opposite.
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Grief is such an overwhelming and powerful emotion, but it doesn’t have to control my life. I’ll admit that I have to daily remind myself that it does not have to define who I am now. Every morning is a gift and it is up to me to choose how to live it. Even though the image of Tom’s death still haunts my thoughts I can choose to let it cripple me or draw me closer to Jesus. Choosing to lean into Jesus is the only way I know how to feel peace in my soul. It’s my faith and belief that Jesus has me in the palm of his hands. He will carry me forward and make a new way. Allowing me to heal as I draw closer to him.
I will carry the memory of Tom and our love forever in my heart, he will always be missed but I also know that he is in a beautiful place and one day we will be together again. That is a promise the Lord has made and it is what I hold on to. This is the day the Lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it.
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