When I am weak you are strong, I know that is when the Lord shows up in my life. It is in those moments I am weakest that I am able to feel his Spirit flow through me. It’s in that weakness that I become closest to Jesus because the flesh can no longer fight the Spirit. Let me put it this way; when a person gets sick and can’t really do anything that is when they finally slow down and rest. Because their body can no longer fight the illness while fighting the elements. So it is when I am at a point where I feel weak, alone and or lost that is when I can feel the power of the Holy Spirit working in me.
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When I look back at the time right after Tom died I can see how the Lord was holding me close. Even though most of that time frame is blurry I know that I could have not made all the decisions I made if it had not been by his power. I also know that none of the things that was accomplished could never have been done had he not sent the village of people to help and I was so willing to except their help. That is unlike me, I am usually the one to extend the help. But it was in that weakness that enabled me to let others help.
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I wish I could say that every day is filled with me feeling like I can do anything because I know and believe Jesus is at my side, but that would be a huge lie. Truth be told many days I find myself staring at the walls of my apartment wondering how I got here. Sometimes the tears well up and I can’t stop them, nor do I want to. So I cry, then I shake my head and ask why did he have to die. Why am I now on this path I did not ask for. I didn’t expect this drastic of a change it’s not at all what I thought my life would look like at this point.
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When I’m all done feeling sorry for myself and wishing my life was different then I look up and see the many blessings he has given me. I have 5 soon to be 6 beautiful grandchildren, 3 amazing children who’ve grown up to be beautiful souls with such love and compassion that makes me so proud to be their mom. I am blessed with a great apartment living in one of the most beautiful places on earth. How could I not feel taken care of? Well, those are all the things I tell myself on the good days and I relish in those gifts. Who was it that said life is like a roller coaster – with ups and downs which makes the ride all the more exhilarating. Who are they kidding nothing about this grief stuff is exhilarating, simply put it sucks!
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Let’s face it when a loved one suddenly dies or even if after a long time illness it takes your breath away. You don’t feel like you can breathe because you have just been sucker punched. Ouch, it hurts and it hurts beyond anyones comprehension. Dealing with the pain, the loss, and the anger, is sometimes more than one can bare. But it’s a process you have to go through on your own, or do you? God only knows the pain you are dealing with. He is the only one who can take the tears away and turn them in to laughter. There has never been a moment he stopped holding me. No matter how terrible I was feeling, or how angry or sad I was he never stopped loving me. If I can hold on to his promises then I will come out on the other side of grief with a renewed spirit and my soul will once again find joy. I believe God always keep his promises.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heaven… He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of m heen. (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 11) NIV
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me. The only thing I can change is me and there is some comfort in that knowledge. If I work on me by continuing to allow the Lord to guide my steps then one day I can look back at all this pain and see how much I have grown.
Closing
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Another encouraging blog! Thank you for all the reminders. “It is in those moments I am weakest that I am able to feel his Spirit flow through me.” Love this and so true! Thank you for sharing your journey. We all have or will take this journey but it is so awesome to realize how faithful God is. Love you Renee!