In the midst of my brokenness:

When I began this blog I truly thought I was being stupid. After all, what could I possibly say that would be of any interest. But I have come to realize that through my brokenness is when God can use me the most. It’s in that weakness I can truly be open to what his plan for my life is. Had someone told me 15 months ago I would be living in Hawai’i as a widow, I would have asked them what drugs they were taking. No way did I ever imagine being alone and starting my life all over again. Not in any of my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be a young widow. Yes, I did ask God why then I found myself asking why not? Grief has many stages and I think I am still in the numb stage because I find myself wondering if it’s all a bad dream. This can’t be real.

As another month came and went I still felt like I was missing something. I knew that God was here with me but why did I feel so alone, lost and forgotten. I would find myself journaling and pouring my heart out on pages hoping to make some sort of sense out of all this chaos. I would drift back to the days right after Tom died, reliving the night I came home and found him dead in his chair. That is an image that will forever be burned in my memory. Trying to convince myself that all those decisions I made had been guided by God. That I did listen to the spirit leading me to do the things that needed to be done. It never occurred to me that I not only had to deal with the death of my husband but also leaving the home we built the friends I had made my work with the sheriff’s office and all my peers in law enforcement. Most people have time to deal with the loss of a spouse. I didn’t have that luxury. I had to uproot myself, my dogs and my life and make some drastic changes all in a very short period of time. Had I stopped to think about what I was leaving I am not sure I could have moved forward. It seemed the only thing to do was keep putting one foot in front of the other and press on. Once I was settled in my new home I could take time to feel the loss, and grieve.

Everyone thought it was so great that I was moving to what most people think of as paradise and to be with my daughter and grandchildren. Yes, I believed that was a blessing from God, but I was so going to miss my 2 sons and triplet grandchildren. I couldn’t help but feel as though I was handing them another loss. After all, they were dealing with their dad’s death and now their mom was moving across the ocean. Not as though they can get in a car and drive to visit nor could I. It would always require a very long and expensive plane ride. How could I do that, even though they assured me I was not doing that and I needed to be with their sister?

Being here is so very different because there is no one that knew my husband so there is no one that can share a memory of him with me except my daughter and son n law. It is often very hard to deal with because being able to reminisce about who is was keeps his memory alive and some of the loneliness fades. There are many times when I feel so guilty about being here. Knowing that Tom so wanted to be here. Getting to enjoy watching my grandchildren grow up and being a huge part of their lives. I feel like I shouldn’t be enjoying that, I shouldn’t be happy. I feel so broken, and that is when I cling to hope and believe that through my brokenness God will pull me closer to him. That my faith will grow and my trust will be strengthened. Because now instead of 2 amazing people that took care of me I only have Jesus.

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens. (Ecc. 3:1)

So as I continue on this new season of my life I have promised myself to be true to myself and learn to trust more, love more, and serve more. Because I believe that God will use my story to help someone else who may be struggling through a storm.