Here it is the middle of October and I still can’t seem to find the words to put on paper that express all that I feel and have dealt with these past few years. I have been keeping myself busy so I don’t have to feel the loneliness that comes with being single after all these years. I never imagined that I would be a widow at this stage of my life. I truly thought I would be celebrating 50 plus years of marriage. I have had to learn to make decisions about so many things that he would take care of.
My point in starting this blog was because I felt the spirit guiding me so that in sharing my journey through grief it could help someone else. But I have not put it out there for the masses to find. Also I realize that I may never know who reads it or what effect it may have on anyone.
As the 5 year mark approaches I still find myself having days were I feel like it is a bad dream and when I wake up he will still be here. So I cry out to Jesus for his grace, peace and healing. In all honesty it doesn’t always happen immediately but I trust in his love for me to answer my plea.
Recently I heard a teaching on God putting you where you are because that is where he wants you to be. There is a purpose for being in the place you are now. That was exacty what I needed to hear at the time because I often doubt why I am in this place. To be reminded that Christ chose this time and place for a reason brings some comfort to my lonliness.
As I refelect on all that I have and experienced these past 5 years I can see God’s hand has always been there. I realize each day that I couldn’t nor would I be able to be in this place with out his grace, protection and provision. He has held me in his arms always. Even in the darkest moments he is there watching over me and I know he feels my tears, my pain, my heartache and he weeps along with me in those moments and is joyful when I am.
I remind myself each morning that I am blessed to wake up and start a new day because I know how quickly life can end. I believe in being a child of God and his plan for me is to have a purposeful and abundant life. What that means and how it looks I am learning to discover each and every day. I recently heard a song “I won’t let go” by Rascal Flatts as I listened to the words I imagine it is the Lord singing to me and it gave me such strength and confirmation that my Lord is with me and feels my heartache and wants only to comfort me. So when I am feeling overwhelmed with grief I run to the father and find comfort in his loving arms.
My prayer as I end this post is for the many who are dealing with some sort of grief. That you can feel the love of our God and know he is holding you close even if it doesn’t feel like it. He knows the loss you are dealing with feels like more than you can handle but he is there with open arms waiting for you to fall in to him. If you have never invited him into your life then pause and take the time to do that now. Simply ask him to forgive you and come into your life. He is right there outside your heart waiting to come in.
May the peace and love of Jesus Christ be with you always and may you walk in his light each day.
Renee,
I love the ending of you Blog , where you say too every one
That you can feel the love of our God, & know that he is holding you
close , even though it may not feel like it !
This to me sends a message that says ( if you are a true believer you will keep
Your faith no matter how rough the road )
Blessing
Chaplain
Joe