Some days the guilt feels like the weight of 100 bricks laying on my chest. The guilt that says maybe I could have done something, maybe I should have stayed home from work that day. Why didn’t
I call him more that day, where was my instinct to let me know something was wrong? Why does it feel like nothing will ever be ok? I am so numb.
There are times when my faith is as little as a mustard seed and it’s then I have to remind myself of what it says in Matt 17:20- “Because of your little faith, “he told them. “For I assure you: if you have the faith of a mustard seed, you will tell this mountain “Move from here to there, and it will move.” Nothing will be impossible for you. Then I go to my heavenly father in prayer and ask for the strength to fight those feelings. Because condemnation, guilt, anger, and depression are not from God. I’m not saying that those feelings are wrong only that they are not how God wants me to feel. He wants me to remember I am a child of God and goodness and kindness are from him. I never truly understood it when someone would tell me to seek peace and joy from Jesus when going through the storms of life. How am I suppose to be happy about the death of my husband, or when my car breaks down and any other storm in my life? BUT that is not at all what that means, I understand now it means seek Jesus, rely on his strength, grace, and love to carry me through the storm. So while I walk along this path of grief and heal I lean on Jesus to carry me. So much so that I have only seen one set of footprints these last 15 months.
When I stop to look back I can see his hand at work in my life. It was his grace that has given me the courage to make so many of the decisions I had to make in such a short period of time. That same faith and belief that I am a child of God that continues to give me the courage to face each day with a grateful heart. To look for his spirit in all that I do. I am so blessed to have this great apartment, to have found a church that is filled with loving caring and spirit-filled people. To be able to live in such a beautiful place and have the opportunity to see the fullness of his power anytime I sit at the beach and watch the vastness of the ocean and pounding of the waves. It’s a reminder that my God is amazing he created all this and yet I am so very important to him and his love is unconditional and never-ending. He knows how much I am hurting and how empty my days can feel at times.
Out of this tragedy has brought my sister and I closer than we ever were, brought a cousin I hadn’t been in touch with for over 30 years back into my life. I learned after Tom’s death what he meant to my brother. It was this awful moment in my life that taught me it’s ok to ask for help and allow others to help. It’s taught me that I am definitely not in control of my life, God is. My plans have been shattered and broken and his plan is far better than anything I could ever dream up. So I must” Let go and Let God.”
I have this hope, a hope that is taking me down paths I wouldn’t have thought of. A Hope in knowing that I am not alone. I never was and even when I can’t feel his presence he is there. His love is what sustains me through all this pain and emptiness. Jesus is my hope, even in my grief. It’s leaning on Jesus that allows God’s gift of hope. It’s words of encouragement, reading scripture and heartfelt prayer from others that have surely blessed and comforted me as I travel through this season of grief. It’s that hope that assures me this season will not last forever it will end and he will wipe away the heartache, and tears and I will be stronger than before.
And God shall wipe away all the tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. (Revelation 21:4-5
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