Carry you with me

Written by our daughter Kristina

If it’s time that heals, I often wonder how much time. Will I feel the healing gradually, or will I wake one day and no longer have to remind myself this is real? If the depth of your pain is the height of your love, then surely I would have realized how much I loved you when you were here.  It’s not that I didn’t know I loved you, it’s that I never knew the pain I’d feel living with just your memory. 

I lost you with a phone call that day, but I lose you every day since. Every time I watch my son wink his eye, the way you taught him when he was just a toddler. Every time I hold my little dog, I remember how you rolled your eyes when I pleaded to get her yet held her close whenever you could. I lose you when I need a recipe for my favorite things, or have a question about the best way to clean the pan I burnt. My car makes a weird sound, and I reach for my phone to call you. Lost again. I want to ask your advice for the hard things, and then I look to the sky and wonder if you already know and bring me the answers. 

It still surprises me how many times a day I think of you. It’s there I find you again. You’re here in all the ways I never knew. When my son winks at me, and says “Pappy taught me this.” When I see a killer deal for something I don’t need, but I just can’t pass up because it’s on sale. When I get that burnt pan to sparkle again, I have your grin. When I crack a joke at an inappropriate time, I laugh knowing I got it from you. When I don’t want to get out of bed and face the next day, I hear your voice reminding me to show up anyways, because that’s what you do. When I see a newspaper waiting for the ads to be opened, I picture you, cross legged, hunting for the best deals. I feel your presence when the grocery store cashier catches my eye and starts chatting. You’d talk to anyone, or maybe anyone talked to you because they felt your beauty and your warmth. It was in the way your eyes smiled. 

There were times I’m sure you didn’t agree with what I chose, but you always found a way to encourage me. I may have worried I’d disappoint you, but now I know I never could. I can be great at anything, you always told me so. 

Daddy’s little girl. His mermaid. His princess. You’re not really gone, I carry too much of you within me.

Happy Father’s Day Dad, a million thank you’s wouldn’t be enough.