I have no words right now that will begin to express the feelings running throughout my soul. How can I ever begin to explain the hole I feel in my life. It’s like half of me is gone and I don’t recognize what is left.
Questions
Will, there be a time when this new life that has been thrust upon me makes sense? How can I share this journey through grief so that someone else may be blessed? What words can I speak so that others will understand that even in their tragedy something beautiful can happen? So, God, it’s me again asking for your help, inspiration, and guidance.
You are Here
Some days my faith is as small as a mustard seed and I can’t imagine how this will all work out for my good. However, I know that my life would not be the same if I didn’t believe you were here taking care of me. I have this hope that you are near, trust that you are here and that you will make good things from all this tragedy. One day when I recall a memory it won’t come with such a sting. My hope is that it will give me a warm fuzzy feeling and remind me how blessed I was to have had such a loving husband.
Not Ok
When I wake up each morning I try to remember to thank God for the gift of a new day. I wish I could say that comes easy every morning, but I’d be lying. Some days start out ok until I realize that I have made so many decisions these last 18 months. Decisions I never imagined I’d be making on my own. Then the anger creeps in, anger at Tom not taking better care of himself, me not realizing something was wrong, and staying home that day and at God for allowing him to die. Why now, I ask, and why so soon? Up until now, I’ve never allowed myself to think those questions let alone ask them out loud.
Finding Peace
Oh, yes so many days are filled with searching for that inner peace that comes from Jesus. But the anger, guilt, frustration, and sadness blocks that presence. I search for you in the quiet moments of my day, or when I sit and watch the waves pound the shore, and still you are silent. How can it be that when I need you the most it feels like you have forgotten my sorrow? Yet, deep down inside I know that is not true. I know you will never forget nor will you forsake me. It’s my grief that is so overwhelming I can’t see or hear much. Your words can often spring forth in my spirit, but they seem so jumbled I can’t sort them out. But there is a part of me that knows you are near and if I pause I can feel that presence long enough that peace soon follows and the confusion ends for a little while.
All is not lost
It’s when I look around and allow myself to go outside my grief, I can see the blessings that have come my way. If I reflect on those blessings then I can see that all is not lost. I once again can see and believe that God is watching over me, protecting me, guiding my steps, and giving me his peace. That is when I say, hello God it’s me again, seeking to be close to you. Remind me that I am a good person with a kind heart.
Today was one of those days that I’d like to forget about and never repeat, but I know all too well those feelings will pop back up. That is how grief works, you don’t wake up one day and everything is all better. It’s a process that can take as long as it takes. So I need to be patient with myself and know that healing will come and this life will get better.
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