Why are there so many days when I feel so empty? How can time keep moving forward when I would rather it stop? On days like these, I want to crawl inside a cocoon and stay there. If I could pretend to be happy then maybe I would be happy. If I could forget the lonely, empty loss I feel then maybe I would not feel so lonely and empty. It’s not easy trying to sort out all these emotions and some days it is much simpler to let them overtake me.
When I think about the days ahead I am often filled with dismay. How can I continue to live and do the very things he and I often talked about and imagined doing together? Is it any wonder I feel so lost and my heart-aches? No one can possibly understand the immense loss I feel. Yet I am supposed to see how great it is that I get to discover a new life, find a new purpose, and be open to all the possibilities. How can I explain that I didn’t ask to have this thrust upon me and building a whole new life is not at all what I planned to do?
I hear myself tell others “God does not close a door without opening another,” I think that’s even in the Bible somewhere. But saying those words brings little comfort to a grieving soul. So I write and hope that putting my feelings down will help me come to terms with the mountain of feelings that seem to overtake me at times.
As the day comes to an end I push myself to see the hand of God at work in my life. Some days it is easier than others, today was not one of those days. So I go through my bible in search of just the right scripture to bring peace to my soul. Once again I am pulled to (Jeremiah 29:11) – “for I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you” and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” So how could I possibly think this life I am now building is not for something good. If I believe that my God is truly in control and only wants the best for me then I must hang on to that promise in faith.
I choose Christ and I choose life, therefore I choose to live my life with God at the center. This means that even in all this grief, hurt, anger, and sadness I will come out on the other side with a stronger faith and God will be glorified. God does not shield us from life’s storms, but he does shelter us “in” life’s storms.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3)
Now that I am in this storm of my life I am trusting in God evermore. He is the only friend I have and I believe he is calling me to draw closer to him. As I face rough waves and turbulent winds of life I focus on the single set of footprints in the sand. I believe he is carrying me and won’t let me fall.
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May God bless you and give you his peace. ❤️
Hello,
While I can’t imagine the loss of a spouse. I have found your blog to be such a spiritual gift. I have had several close family die recently and my pastor suggested I check out your blog. As many of the posts have touched my heart and brought a flood of tears I want to believe that in time I will feel better. Thank you for sharing your story. I will be waiting for a new post.
Hi Renee ,
I can not imagine what It would be like to loose my spouse ! I believe that if you keep following and obeying the word of GOD that you will find the answers in him, and he will guide you on this journey .