I lift my eyes to the mountains – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. (Psalm 121:1-2)
It’s been like being in a dark place with no windows or doors. Even though the sun is shining brightly through my windows the cloud of grief hovers all around. It so often blocks me from seeing the good things right in front of me. I’ve been so good at hiding my feelings all my life that I can convince myself I’m doing good. I have learned how to put those feelings in a box, shut the lid, and put it on the shelf in my mind. Then I don’t go near that shelf for fear the box will open and those feelings will burst out. If I can’t feel them then maybe they are not real. But how long can one stay in the darkness? What good comes from staying there?
“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted, among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” (Psalm 46:10)
My journey through grief has been filled with so many twists, turns, ups, and downs. At times I wasn’t sure what to do. I do know that having my grandchildren near has been a blessing. Even though at times when I look at them or spend time with them it breaks my heart that they do not have their pappy here as well. That they will miss all the things he could have taught them, and how he would have loved spoiling them. I know they miss him and miss having a grandpa. One day not too long ago my granddaughter asked me if I would ever get married again. When I asked her why she said “because I’d like mommy to have a daddy again and I would like to have a pappy.” I felt like someone had just stabbed me in the heart. It was all I could do to hold back the tears. I know she is too young to understand it doesn’t work like that but it was still hard hearing that. It was a moment of darkness and I knew I couldn’t stay there. (darkness = depression)
You see I have learned that although the darkness seems comfortable and quiet hiding there is dangerous and often can lead to a hole you may not be able to dig out of. I will admit there were many days when I wasn’t sure I wanted to leave the darkness but thankfully something deep inside kept pulling at me to come up for air. That still small quiet voice said, just breathe, Renee, just breathe. So with every ounce of strength I could find, I took a breath and pushed my way out of the darkness. I tell myself every day that it will get better. Because God said in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you-plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and hope.”
I never imagined how many decisions I would be making, things that we shared or I’d leave to him to decide. The pressure of those decisions often led me to take cover in the darkness. Sometimes it was a struggle to fight the depression, so I didn’t. I may never understand why my life was sent down this path, but I promised myself that I would not lose my faith. That I would lean into Jesus and trust his plan for my life. If this is a test to see how well I can hold to that promise then I must choose to climb out of the darkness. It’s ok to have days of sadness, uncertainty, missing him but I must remember to look forward and focus on the light. That light is Jesus Christ.
Sometimes I find it difficult to pray, I can’t find the words or I don’t know what to pray for. Is my prayer being too selfish? Am I praying the right way? How can I help others in my prayer? If I am to help others dealing with this darkness then I must learn how to help myself. So when those days pop up (and they do) that causes me to feel so sad and alone my promise to self is to look up and see the light. Because I do believe there is light at the end of this dark tunnel. I am a survivor and I will be ok. Yes, one day the pain of seeing a white van drive down the street won’t have me looking to see if it’s him, or watching other couples as they walk hand in hand have me longing for his hand to be in mine. I do believe that one day we will be together again. There will be a day when I can feel confident that I made the right decisions. Also, that as I continue my journey through this new life I will never be alone, I know that Jesus is here with me. That is where my hope comes from. That is what pulls me up from the darkness.
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May God bless you and give you his peace. .. Mahalo!
Hi Renee,
I am new to your blog and have only made time to read a few of them. But mostly because each one has been right on the money with what I am feeling. I can’t imagine sitting and writing out those feelings for others to see and read. I don’t know how you do it. It has to be a gift. I do plan on reading all the ones I am behind on. But I had to say thank you for helping me and always showing me that God is there for me.
Great Blog, straight from your Heart ❤️ as always! A lot of thought ( as usual was put into the wording )of your Blog. I look forward to reading more of your Blogs!
Thank You for sharing.
Blessings
Joe
Love how you communicate your honesty through these posts! I think everyone can relate to feeling this way about loss in life. You always bring it back to your complete Trust in the Lord to lead you through. Love you Renee! Keep writing! Praying for your newest grand baby is June the due date?