Everyone keeps asking “How are you doing?” How do I answer that? It’s not like I can say, I’m terrible, or not good because they don’t want to hear those answers. They are only asking most times because they think it’s the polite thing to do. I usually say” I’m fine.” I figure they will draw their own conclusions. I know that outer looks can be so deceiving. I’m sure it looks like I am handling the death of my husband very well. Only those closest to me will be able to tell I’m really not all that fine. Because I had to make so many big decisions right after his death it seemed that I was processing things well. In actuality, I was so numb and grief-stricken that I have doubted numerous times that I made the right decisions. I’ve asked myself many times if I am sure I acted on what God had planned for me.
Do I wish I could have had the luxury of being able to process his death at a slower pace? and not having to sell and dispose of everything so quickly; leaving behind a life we had built, all my friends and my position with the sheriff’s department? Yes, I do. But they were not, we kept putting off taking care of things so if he died I would be ok, financially. As so many people do, we thought we had time, sadly we procrastinated the task and that left me in a situation with not really any choice but to dispose of everything I had.
I would pray for the faith and strength to move forward, taking it one day at a time. Heck, sometimes it was one hour at a time. Leaning heavily on my faith and trust that God would guide me and show me the path. Believing that this new journey I was embarking on was guided by his hand. It is a whole new world for me and most days I felt alone, overwhelmed, sad, lost and numb. When all those feelings collided all I wanted to do was hide, and some days that is exactly what I did. With the help of a very good friend, I came to allow myself that time. Her advice was what I needed to hear. She spoke of how I had been so caught up in making decisions and trying to recreate what I had lost that I wasn’t allowing myself time to grieve and heal. God wanted me to just STOP, take time to heal and be patient. All good things come to those who trust in the Lord. After all, I had been through in such a short time I now found myself alone for the 1st time ever in my life. How do I handle that? Well-meaning people kept telling me things like you have a new life to do whatever you want to do, go where ever you want to go. Yes, sure I do but I never imagined being alone and now dealing with things I never had to deal with before. It’s not that easy to just pick up and do. I have been a wife and mother my entire adult life I have no idea who I am, or what I want to do.
Don’t tell me to I can be whatever I want to be when all I want to be is his wife, I want to see his mess, hear him snoring, a chance to nag at him because he left the kitchen a mess and feel his arms around me telling me it will all be ok. No one knows what it’s like to wake up one morning and realize your life as you knew it- is no longer that way.
So Don’t ask me how I’m doing when you truly don’t want to hear the answer. Don’t tell me I have to do this or that. Just understand I am hurting even if I don’t show it and just be there if I need a shoulder to cry on, a friend to sit quietly and expect nothing in return, that your presence is all I might need.
“And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7
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