When I saw this photo it reminded me of how my life has been these past 3 years. Each pad represents a decision I had to make, have made, and even will need to make. Some are clustered together because those decisions had an effect on the next one so on and so forth. While the larger lily pads I feel stand for some of the bigger, more complex decisions I have made. I see it as many opportunities that have come my way, some good some not so good. I once saw a poster saying, “just when you think you’ve got it figured out, someone moves the lily pads.” That pretty much sums up my journey these past 3 years.
There is another saying “you never know how good things were until they are lost” which is very true. Most days are the same because I always question “how am I supposed to feel?” What do I need to do to feel like I am in a normal life? It was always so easy to help guide others through the grief process but now that I am in the middle of it, or maybe the end of it, or maybe I still am in the beginning? I have no idea where I am and that is what makes those darn lily pads a symbol of my life. One big giant mess floating along on this journey waiting to see where it takes me next.
I had 43 years with Tom, yes we had good times and some not-so-good times, but no marriage is perfect. I basically grew up in my marriage because like all 18-year-olds I thought I knew it all and as I matured I realized I had no clue about life. Now I find myself single and have no idea what that is supposed to look like. What does someone my age do when they are suddenly thrust into single life? If I could catch a good lily pad and float on through this journey then maybe I won’t have to feel all these messy feelings.
Sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve to grieve because I wasn’t the best wife I could have been. As I look back over our life I realize how many times we took each other for granted. We always said we’d never do that but sadly it happened. I know if we didn’t have our faith and trust that Jesus was in the center of our lives I don’t think we could or would have made it 43 years.
I am constantly told not to look back and if I do to focus on the good memories and not dwell on the losses. To work towards new memories and new things. I must say I have always hated it when people tell me how I am to feel, what I should do or how I should move forward. It’s my life and it’s my grief process I will work through it in a way that best fits me. No two people grieve the same way even if they share the same loss.
I have learned these past few years that each day is a gift and I try and remind myself life is to be lived. I may be alone in the physical sense but I am not alone in the spiritual sense. Jesus is at my side and he holds me close so I have the strength to bear the pain of my loss. I am often drawn to the book of Job and all that he suffered but still stood strong in his faith. Not that I have experienced such as he but I choose to stand strong in my faith. Because I believe Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Then I will call on the Lord and he will listen.
Prayer: Lord, please touch the many who are hurting from a loss in their life. May you heal their broken hearts and fill them with the peace of your son Jesus. Guide our steps and lead us not astray. Father in heaven thank you for the many blessings in my life and may I always remember you are my creator and love me unconditionally. Amen
Renee,
Here is my opinion; my opinion only; count and study each Lily pad! And you will know which Lily pad is the one you will land on.
Always in my prayers, Renee ♡♡♡
I think you’re so very Brave …
So grateful God brought us to find each other after all these years … biggggest Hug Shelley your fave Cuz 😍😍