My life has been a roller coaster of emotions these past 2 years. Countless times I have shook my head I frustration, cried a million tears, laughed so hard that it hurt and then felt the touch of a hand so gentle reminding me that he’s got this. How could I possibly doubt that he sees the bigger picture and in the midst of all this pain his grace is what carries me through.
Change is necessary
I’ve never been one to shy away from change, but that doesn’t mean I always liked it. If someone would have told me 2 years ago that I would be where I am now I would have asked them what drugs they were taking. In a thousand years I could not have dreamed this scenario up. As I look around my absolutely cozy cottage apartment I can’t help but say thank you Lord. If it had not been for your divine intervention I would not be living in such a great place. Change has been what this last 2 years has been all about. Being a wife, then widow, selling everything I own, moving across the ocean to an island, living with family then moving out on my own. If that isn’t the epitome of change then call me stupid. None of that was how I envisioned my life at this point. However I know, I believe that my God has a great plan for my life so I say “here I am Lord.”
Take a break
The other day I had a dear friend remind me that I need to give myself a break, not be so hard on myself. Remember it has only been 2 years and so much else is happening in the world around me that I can’t expect to not have moments of shear sadness. Seriously do you think you can forget 43 years of marriage and all those memories. Don’t you realize that they will never go away but one day I’ll be able to look back on them with peace and they won’t hurt so much. Oh, I want to believe that and that is what I have told countless others when counseling them through their grief. Funny how when you’re in that situation all that goes out the window.
Jesus said " I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid." (John 14:27)
Still healing
God promises to forgive us, give eternal life and meet all your needs. That is stated all through out the Bible. So why do I sometimes forget those promises when the memories fill my mind and I want to curl up in a ball and say I can’t do this. There is so much I thought we were going to do as a couple and now I am left to do it alone. There are so many times when I am conflicted with what decision to make and then the anguish of knowing I have no one to bounce the ideas off of. There are countless days when I just want to hear his voice one more time. I don’t want to forget what he sounded like, his gentle touch when I need to be held and how he took care of me. I know that God does all that too, but it’s just not the same when I am hurting and long for a hug.
Peace in music
Fortunately I somehow find my way back to feeling at peace even in the middle of the storm. I have found that music can be such a healing source. Some songs just speak to my spirit and bring me comfort and peace in my soul. They remind me that God is with me, that he is my provider, protector and he will always be with me. A reminder that his love is everlasting, unconditional and he knows how much I am hurting and feels my tears. He understands the hurt I feel like no one else can. So even when I feel at my weakest I know and believe he is working in me to build me up and prepare me for a blessed future. This is what I hang on to each time I feel lost. I am a child of God and I believe in his promises.
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May God bless you and give you his peace
I am not one to comment on things. But after being introduced to your blog by a friend I felt I needed to say what is on my heart. My spouse and son were killed by a drunk driver a few years ago. But the pain of that still feels like yesterday. I was so touched by your willingness to share. At times it seems like things are going well then they are not and i appreciate that you are willing to share the not good days too. Recovering from death is a daily challenge for me but I am feeling optimistic after reading several of your posts. Thank you
I love how you broke down your blog from change is necessary—- to taking a break——- to still healing—— music. It is real and a process we all will go through at some point. I was reading in the Old Testament this morning and when Jacob died how it describes how long they morned we need to give ourselves a break remember it takes time to heal and continue to sing . Your blog went right along with my bible reading today! Keep writing it is a blessing!
Thank you for being so supportive and encouraging. Blessings to you and your family.