Because I had been so busy making decisions and trying to find the best way to move myself and 2 small dogs to Hawaii I took little time to really feel the full impact of what I had just lost. Wait lost, I think that is such an odd way to look at death. I’ve asked myself many times why we say “sorry for your loss” to me when I hear the word loss that means I could maybe find what was lost. Tom is not lost, I know where he is. I’m not going to turn a corner and suddenly he will be there like a lost item. He is not lost he is gone. His life on this earth has ended and I have to learn to build a new life without him. How does one do that when you have spent so much of your life with that person. He was always there for me. His love was so beautiful it truly showed me the love of Jesus. When I would get angry he always had a way to help get me out of it. Even if I didn’t particularly like what he said it was what I needed to hear and sometimes It was difficult to listen.
It has been such a hectic few months after Tom’s sudden death that I barely remember what I did. I do believe I have only made it this far because of my faith. Feeling blessed because he put so many beautiful people in my life when I needed them. The community of love and support not only from my family but from some people I barely knew. It showed me that accepting help is not a sign of weakness and it is God’s way of showing his love. It’s allowing others to be the shoulder you need when you think you don’t.
Our marriage like any other had its ups and downs. You don’t last 42 years without having differences. However, we respected each other, trusted each other and if one was down the other was there to lift them up. He had such a fun way of showing his love. Like all the times he’d have a hot bubble bath and glass of wine waiting for me when I came home from work. All the times he’d make chocolate-covered strawberries because he knew I liked them “ALOT.” If I was sick or had a headache he was there to make homemade soup and some tea. Quite simply he knew how to help me feel better.
In 2 short months, I managed to pack, donate and sell all of our personal stuff. Put our house up for sale and get ready to move to Hawaii to live with my daughter and grandchildren. By the end of January 2019, I was packed and somewhat ready to board a plane with my dogs and daughter. I am starting to feel the aftermath of all my decisions and It’s beginning to feel overwhelming so I stuff the emotions, tell myself I can deal with it later. However, I couldn’t stop the tears that began to well up inside as I gazed out the window into the clouds. If this was a bad nightmare then I wanted to wake up. I didn’t want to feel this ache deep in my heart. My life as I knew it was no more, there no longer was two of us to share ideas, figure out when things went wrong and discern together how to handle a crisis. It would be only me to deal with what life would throw at me. It meant I had to rely on my faith to guide me with no one else to help me discern if it was the right path.
As we landed there was a beautiful rainbow that had appeared across the sky over the airport. With tears streaming down my face, I took a deep breath and felt the Lord saying welcome home. You’re not alone on this journey I am and will always be by your side even if you can’t feel me, I am there.
“I am with you always, even unto the end of the world” (Matthew 28:20)
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