“If only?”

“If only” are 2 words I am working at to delete from my vocabulary. Quite simply because there is nothing I can do to change what has happened in the past 15 months. It doesn’t change things for me to say “If only” I had stayed home that day, or “if only” I had been more persistent when he didn’t answer; if only I insisted he call the doctor when he said is sugar level was so low upon getting up that morning, and the “If only’s” go on and on. I understand those feelings and thoughts are all part of the grieving process. A process that until a few months ago I truly had not allowed myself to deal with. I kept doing what needed to be done dealing with so many decisions that had to be made that I didn’t take time to feel anything but being overwhelmed. I think it was more of being numb and in complete disbelief that he had died. I so wanted to hang on to it being a dream. After all, why would God take my love away from me when we had so much left we wanted to do. How could he think having me be a single woman be a good idea? How could any of this make sense? It didn’t and I had no idea what I was going to do with this new season of my life. Oh, sure the comments were endless about how I could discover a new me, do things I maybe hadn’t thought of or be a whole new person. Did they not realize that for the past 42 years I was a wife and mother and I didn’t know anything else. Sure I had worked through the years various types of jobs but nothing that I could say would have been a life long dream career choice. I felt being a mom and wife was what I was called to do. It came so naturally oh don’t go thinking I was great at it. I made lots of mistakes but I hoped I learned from them and not at the expense of my children. Being married was always a challenge, after all, it’s taking two different people with different ideas and blending them together if you think there will not be adjustments and conflicts then think again. But we always kept God in the center of our relationship and that is how we made it through the storms of life that would come our way. Now I am facing the storms without a partner, without someone to bounce things off of and get a different perspective. “If only?”

I know that God uses tragedies and storms of life to draw us closer to him. We don’t see the bigger picture and would never be able to handle it if we did. Sometimes that delay is because God knew that there was a terrible accident about to happen up ahead and he didn’t want you to be involved in it. Sure I knew all that but that has not helped with the pain I go to bed with sometimes or the pain I can wake up within the middle of the night and the tears can’t be stopped. The emptiness I feel daily that reminds me I am now One. This pain is unexplainable and no one can feel it for me or take it away. Do I wish it would go away in an instant? yes. Do I believe God could take it away in that instant? yes. If only he would, but then would I keep trusting in him for support and help or would I think I could do it on my own?

There is hope and there is joy if we just reach out for it. Not that I am happy about the death of my husband or that I am now faced with making decisions that I never had to make before but that I am really not alone in all this. If I lean on Jesus and trust that he does have and want the best for me then I can find joy and hope in that. I can tell the storms of life that my God is bigger than any storm you throw at me and no matter how discouraging it looks, or how bleak it may seem, this sadness and loneliness will go away and my God will be glorified in the end. I can tell the “if only’s” to go away and stand firm on his promises that I am blessed and victorious in all I do.

The spirit of truth lives in me and He will guide me into all truth. He will show me things to come as I allow Him to speak into my life. (Jn 16:13-14)