The minutes turn into hours, days, weeks, and then months. I still can’t believe he is gone from this earth. Even though I’ve moved out of state I am often reminded he is not here. I see a white dodge caravan and I look for him then quickly realize it’s not his. I watch a tv show and remember the times we’d sit and watch together. Make comments as to why did they do that, only to have one of us say “that’s how they wrote it” then we’d laugh at each other.
Nothing Left
The pain of his death still hurts so very much. Sometimes it feels like my whole body aches no matter what I do the ache doesn’t leave. The many days I want to cry but tears won’t come. There is no one here that can understand the heaviness for the loss I feel. Nothing can ease the feeling of exhaustion that comes from losing the one person that understood me the most. We sometimes drove each other crazy but that’s what marriage is all about. It is so true when they say “you never know how good something was until it is gone.” There are so many times that remind me how wonderful he was. I look back and see how God used him every day in my life. I do miss his little quirks that some times irritated me. Funny how all that doesn’t matter now I only wish he was still here.
Depend on God
My heart is torn and I feel at times I can not wether this storm anymore. I’m just too weak to keep going. Somehow I manage to find the right song, bible passage, or devotion that gives me the boost I needed. It reminds me that I am not on this journey alone. I look up and am reminded this is when I can see one set of footprints. I don’t need to rely on my own strength because Jesus Christ is there at my side. He protects me from my enemies and fights for me. I only need to recognize that he is Lord and no mountain is too big for him to move.
You are with me: Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:4)
What’s next
I had someone once ask me How long does grief last? When can I feel normal again? The only answer I had was, there is no time limit and you will find a new normal. You may not recognize it because it will be so foreign and very different. I know my other life is gone, broken it died the day Tom died. So many nights I wander around my home and wish he was here. What would he say to me that would help me refocus when I get frustrated.
What I am learning to do is focus more on the Lord. Remind my self that he has made every day new and he will show himself strong on my behalf. “His mercy endures forever” The Lord is on my side; I will not fear”. (Ps 118: 1 & 6) I trust that all the events that happen are screened through his wisdom and love, and they are simply an opportunity for me to grow in my faith.
When the dawn announces each new day, before you rise up out of bed, Rejoice, – be glad and give, God praise, and thank Him for what lies ahead. – (by Sper- Our daily bread)
God’s plan for me is a purposeful and abundant life. He never made a promise that was too good to be true. He often gives me help from places I least expect it. Even when he does wonderful things in my life it may also be followed by more testing. Always remembering that no matter what the testing is, God is always there with me to give me the strength to get through it. It doesn’t mean I am thankful for the testing, but that I am thankful he is at my side. Even when I feel alone and my problems and heartache seem to overwhelm and cause me to feel God has forgotten me; if I turn to his words I find comfort and hope once again. It’s there I am reminded all he has done for me and that I am forgiven no matter what I’ve done and he keeps his promises.
God deserves my praise
“Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits – who forgives all your sins, and heals all your diseases, who redeems you life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” (Ps. 104: 1-5)
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Hello, I to recently lost my husband. It’s been such a struggle to even walk in our bedroom. I can’t imagine how you managed to move thousands of miles away. I can’t imagine being in a new place without my friends and family around me. I am not sure how I even came across your blog. Guess it was meant to be. I have also shared it with a friend, she has been struggling for the last 2 years. I know that hearing such comforting words may help her find some peace. I know your posts have been helping me not feel so guilty when I have days that I smile. Thank you.
I am so sorry for your pain I know that the sudden death of a husband can be overwhelming. I do hope you know that you are not alone and this season will have an end. Finding our way is not easy but it will be fruitful in the end. God bless
As a recent widow I am perplexed at how I can feel so awful and then be happy. I feel like I have no right to be happy. I came across your blog and was drawn in by your words. Much of what you said has been what I was afraid to feel and admit. Many times as I read the posts it would bring about a series of tears. But they were more for the relief to know that my feelings are not wrong. I can be sad one minute, then angry the next and sometimes even find a bit of joy in my now crazy life. I have no idea what this new life will look like, but I feel like I can take a breath and it’s ok. I can’t thank you enough for sharing your journey. Sorry for the loss of your husband. I know it can’t be easy and yet you find the strength to share your pain with others. Thank you.
Trusting God as we walk through life is such a journey. Thank you for sharing your journey through this blog. It makes me think about my life and reminds me live intentional. The words you used about new normal spoke to me things never go back just with God you embrace the new. So encouraging!
I have been so lost since the death of my wife 2 years ago. It’s been such a struggle to find peace and a reason for her death. A friend shared your blog with me and I have been reading all your posts. It may seem silly but your willingness to be so vulnerable has given me hope. I can see how listening to well meaning friends that tell me it’s time to move on is nonsense. Your story has helped me see that everyone is different and grief has no time limit. Thank you for sharing your journey.