It’s my story

In all my ways I could never have imagined what flood of feelings would follow once I sold my car. After all its only a car, a friend once told us never get too attached to any car. It’s only a vehicle and need to turn it over quickly. But tonight those words seem empty and offer no comfort. After all it was the last thing I had left from him, even though it made sense to downsize I never imagined how sad I would feel once it was gone. Just one more surprise jolt of feelings. One would think by now I’d learned that sometimes its the smallest things that will cause the tears to roll down my cheeks. But I never imagined it would be something as odd as this. But yet in all this I have come to see that God’s timing is once again perfect. I am not sure why I still at times doubt that.

Tom’s sudden death rocked my world and I still have many moments were I ask is this a nightmare. Will I wake up soon and find out all this has just been one very bad dream? However something is always there to remind me nope it’s not a dream. He is gone and even though I know one day I will see him again it is little comfort when I am feeling so heartbroken.

My flesh and my heart may fail. but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. {Psalm 73:26}

One more day

It’s one more day of learning to maneuver through this life as a single person. Missing him and wondering how I will find my way often seems like such a daunting task that all I can do is lay my head down and cry. Then somewhere deep down is that still small voice that says it’s going to be ok. You are not alone. You are not forgotten. You are a child of God and he will never forsake you. He knows how much you are hurting and he weeps along with you. One day you will see more light than darkness. Just keep leaning on Jesus and know that he is working things out for your goodness. For now just be held. In the Lord I take refuge. {Psalm 11:1}

Hope

As I often feel as though I am staggering through this season of my life I know that no matter how bad it feels or gets there is hope. There is always hope, it comes from faith. It comes from years of seeing how many times the Lord showed up in my life when I least expected it and when I needed him most. There was always a hand holding me even if I didn’t see it or didn’t believe it. Even in my doubtful state of mind Jesus was always there with me. I wouldn’t be here today if he had not stepped in so many years ago. I wouldn’t have the family I have had his hand not been with me. So even though it seems dark and dreary I still have hope. That is all I have at times and that is what I count on to get me through each day.

Sometimes I’m afraid

As more time passes will I forget all the years of being married to him. It’s hard to remember how his voice sounded and its only been 2 years. What about all the other amazing things he did for me. I’m not saying he was perfect or that our life was but there were so many good things that we shared if I can hang on to all that then maybe he won’t be gone. How many times I have wondered how to keep his memory alive? How can I help my grandchildren remember how much he loved them? They were both so young when he died. I am afraid that in time even the good memories will fade away. So as I make this journey I must remind myself that nothing is really lost forever.

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. {Psalm 91:1} Father God, help me to see You more clearly than any force that opposes me and let me run to You for safety and security. Amen

Finding Grace

I often ask myself how one moment I can be ok and then something so simple can cause a deep sadness flood my being. What is it in that moment that brings back a flood of memories and feelings so strong that it feels like yesterday all over again? But then somehow I manage to find a way to slowly walk through the pain and remember that God’s got this. All that is going on is in his hands and I simply need to trust, let go and breathe. As Easter approaches it is a reminder that he sent his son Jesus Christ to earth, take on human form then die on a cross so that my sins can be forgiven. So that I can be close to him and receive grace that I don’t have to earn. I am a child of God and he will never let go or forsake me. I can count on that, and that is what I hold on to. Because he has never left me down and he never will.

My prayer 🙏🏽

Dear Abba, I thank you for all the times you have been here for me even when I forgot to ask. I am thankful that you sent so many people to be supportive when I needed it most. I believe they were your hands and arms. When I am down and out you send your spirit to hold me up, I am so blessed and thankful that you care so deeply for me. Lord I ask that you touch each person that reads this blog post and meet what ever needs they may have. Guard, guide and continue to love on them. Show them you are the way, the truth and the light and that with you they can do all things. In Jesus name I ask this. Amen.

Simple thanks

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May God bless you and give you his peace.