Just Be Held

I have not been able to write these last few months because I feel so empty, very numb. I long to just be held, and there is no one to hold me. It is a very empty feeling and one that I have been wrestling with these last few months as I come to terms with it being 3 years since the death of Tom. How can that be? when it still feels like yesterday. The raw emotions are still very much alive, although I am pretty good at keeping them hidden away. Hiding my feelings is what I do best, so good that sometimes I manage to hide them from myself. Then I don’t have to feel the pain, hurt, anguish, disappointment, or rejection of those feelings my cause.

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Each day is much like the others, I wake up say good morning to my heavenly father and start my day. It’s amazing how easy it is to find things to be busy but not really be doing anything. I often wonder if anyone else ever does the same thing?

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What I really want is to get away somewhere and hide. Be away from everything for a day or two and see if I can find the peace I say I have because truthfully I feel like my insides are anything but calm and peaceful. But maybe if I say it enough times it will eventually be ok. How can it be ok, when my life is such a mess, so different than what I ever imagined and not at all what I had hoped for. Wow, I was definitely hit by a storm I never saw coming. Then I see the poster on my wall that says “if you saw the size of the blessing coming, then you’d understand the magnitude of the battle you are fighting.” Well, Lord, it must be one heck of a blessing because this battle is not for the weak of heart.

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Yesterday I found this verse; Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He’s the one who will keep you on track. (Proverbs 3:6) Somewhere deep down inside I know that if I didn’t trust my God with my life I would not be able to get out of bed in the morning let alone make any of the decisions I have had to make these past 3 years. But some days like today I am so deeply forlorn about all the decisions/choices I now have to make that I never had to make before that I want to crawl in a hole and hide. I want to make the pain all go away. I’m alone with no one to bounce ideas off of and no one that can hold me and say it will be ok. I really miss that.

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I truly despise the phrase time heals all wounds. No, it does not, it just makes the heart ♥️ 💙 learn to deal without. As I take the time to openly share this grief process with others I am reminded that it is a process and if one more person says it is time to get over it I will not be held responsible for the action I may take on them. Seriously, whoever said there was a time limit to grief? There are days when the cloud comes over you out of nowhere and you feel like you are going to suffocate under it. But you must go on because life demands that. Staying in that dark place is not good and I can honestly say even if at times it feels better than facing my life, If I listen I can hear a small voice tell me that God loves me and that is not where he wants me to stay. So I begin to look for what will pull me out of the fog. Then I remember that going to immerse myself in nature helps me feel his presence and leaves me in awe of how he created all living things and loves me so very much. God is an awesome God!

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My time here on earth is numbered, it is for everyone this I know to be true. While I am here I want to make the best choices and live a life that is filled with peace, joy, and love. That is what my Lord wants for me. God’s plan for me is a purposeful and abundant life. I choose Christ.

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Thank you for taking the time to read my latest post. I do apologize for being absent these last few months. But I made a promise to the Lord that from now on if I show up to write he will show up with the content. Praise you, Jesus.

May you have a blessed month and may you always know that even if you can’t feel him or see him working in your life he is there.