When I started this blog I was not at all sure how it would turn out. How would I know what to write about? Would I be able to allow myself to be vulnerable enough so you the reader could feel the pain and struggle I experienced? I knew I had to put my trust in God to show up for the quality if I showed up for the quantity. It has taken me down a road to be more trusting in his guidance. Each time I start to write I end up saying things I didn’t intend to say but there they are out there for all to read. I trust that if there is anyone out there who is going through some sort of grief process my sharing will let you know you are not alone. It is in sharing our stories with others that allows us to heal and find our footing again.
I know for me these past 15 months have been anything but smooth. As I come home each day to an empty apartment and then faced with what to cook for one is a constant reminder that he is gone from this life. I’ve had to find ways to deal with grief and emptiness. For me, music has always been a source of comfort I have found healing and the courage to take another step. I found songs that speak to my heart, that put into words what I can’t at the moment. One of my favorite songs that helped me so much is by Danny Gokey, “Tell your heart to breathe again” what a powerful song and it cut through to the very core of my heart. It spoke all the things I was feeling and allowed me the strength to do just that “Breathe…” My heart is broken and no one can fix, mend or heal it only Jesus can. So I offer each day when I awake to him, that I can stand on his love, grace, and strength to face whatever the day brings. I know that no matter what anyone thinks I could not be where I am today if I didn’t have my faith.
Those of us who are making our way through this grief journey often feel abandoned, and what others may see on the outside is definitely not what is going on inside. Ask me how I am doing and I will likely answer with fine, or one day at a time. How else would I answer that? After all, no one can possibly understand what it feels like to be in my shoes, and I have learned that no one really wants to know. Not necessarily because they don’t care but because they are afraid of not knowing what to say in response. No one understands that when someone is on this grief journey that saying nothing is the best thing to do. Just being there for me, allowing me to cry, be mad or simply just “be” without judgment is what I may need the most at that moment. Often times I feel like I am suffocating with my feelings. There are so many times when my hurt doesn’t want to hear about hope. How can I one day be so sad I don’t want to get out of bed to the next I’m up hiking or having lunch with a friend? My life no longer is what it was and will never be so how do I reconcile with that. I must tell myself to just breathe, to keep taking one step after the other. Keep moving forward, pause and grieve when those feelings surface. Don’t try and stuff them it’s all part of how I can get to a point where the pain of his death will not feel like it’s crushing me.
The hardest part of all this is being in a place where no one knew him. There is no one here that can share in any memories of our life together. No one to help keep his memory alive, to know that he was a good husband, father to our children and friend to others. So every time I hear the words in Danny Gokey’s song I remind myself to just breathe again, it will be ok and one day it won’t feel this heavy and lonely.
So while I am facing countless changes and storms I try and remember that God is my refuge and strength, a very present help in my time of trouble. (Psalm 46:1)
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