I’m reminded of all the things that well-meaning people would say to me after his death. I had learned during my years as a chaplain for law enforcement that people don’t really know what to say when there is a death. So they just say what they think sounds good. Never realizing that their words could be harsh, come across as crude and even rude. I had learned to just politely say thank you, smile and then forget what they said. It would be things like; “well at least he didn’t suffer”; or he’s at peace now, that’s the way to go in your sleep and “well at least it was quick.” Seriously who the heck cares that it was quick and how do you know that? No one knows, so don’t assume that it was. For all you know he could have been miserable before he died, he might have sat in his chair because he didn’t feel good felt pain in his chest and then took his last breath. The only person that knows how his last moments where is the Lord. My only comfort in all of this is my belief that Jesus was with him in those last moments and he wasn’t alone.
I have come to understand the need to be alone in those first hours after the death of your spouse. I to wanted that, and everyone said I shouldn’t be alone. I knew they meant well but I truly wanted time to process what I had just experienced. Being able to shout, scream, throw things or just sit and sob till I couldn’t sob anymore. I needed to do that but with people staying at my house I didn’t have the freedom to just let go. For some that might not have been an issue, for me it was. I have always been a private person when it comes to showing feelings. This was a devastating loss and I needed and wanted the time to let my raw emotions out. Instead of really letting go I hid my head in a pillow and cried till I couldn’t cry anymore. I was drained emotionally, spiritually and physically. But still couldn’t sleep and so I found myself simply laying in my bed wishing he was beside me. Longing to feel his touch one more time, hear his breathing or wrangle the covers from him because he had hogged them all. Instead, all I could feel was this gigantic ache in the pit of my soul that was screaming for it to be a bad dream, that I would wake up and he would be right here holding me.
In those next days and weeks that followed I think I was in survival mode. I simply did what seemed to be needing to be done. The biggest issue was planning his celebration of life memorial. The kids and I knew we didn’t want it to drag into Thanksgiving. Getting through the holiday was going to be hard enough, so holding off until after was not what any of us wanted. Then there was Christmas right around the corner so the planning continued and I just kept moving forward. Most of those days and weeks are a complete blur. We held several yard sales to get rid of things. Gave lots and lots away that didn’t sell. I am sure stuff was disposed of that I might have wanted to keep. But knowing I wasn’t staying there and couldn’t move it all to Hawai’i forced me to downsize drastically.
My time crunch resulted in the fact that I knew on my income I couldn’t afford to keep the house and pay all the utilities, upkeep, and any maintenance issues that would arise. The dogs had a time limit that they were authorized to fly into Oahu, I knew I didn’t want to start that whole expensive and long process again. So I needed to leave Arizona by Feb 10th. Flew my daughter back to Arizona to help with the dogs. Because it’s only 1 dog per ticketed passenger. As I look back on all of this I am in awe of what all took place in such a short period of time. When I think of how calm it seemed to others I was, I know in my heart that God was definitely holding me close through it all. There is no way I could have managed that massive undertaking without help from others and his strength. I see now why he sent so many angles to help me. Allowing them to help me blessed both of us. Leaning on Jesus is the only way I could be where I am today.
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