Why does one go down the road of “if only”? If only I would have stayed home. If only I would have been nicer. If only, if only. The truth is it doesn’t matter and it will not change the outcome. I can “if only” till I turn blue and it will not change the facts. Just as “should of”, “could of” or “would of” will not change what my life looks like now. Nothing can turn back the clock and make the outcome any different than it is. Deep down I know that but it doesn’t stop all those nagging thoughts.
Reflections of blessings
I wish I could find the right words to express how deeply I regret not appreciating what I had more while I had it. My life may not have been idyllic but it was a good life. God always managed to keep us together and provided nicely for our family. As I reflect back over those 42 years I can see how many times God showed up. How many times he provided just what we needed when we needed it. It came in so many different forms. Sometimes it was the exact amount we needed to pay for the kid’s school, fix a car, repair something major that broke or help with shuffling kids to an event. It always amazed us as when we took the time to reflect on how blessed we had been. So now why would I think my life would be any less blessed.
Will it ever feel ok
It still seems like a nightmare that I want to wake up from. Tom’s death just doesn’t seem real. Yet here I am in a whole new place. I crawl into bed every nite and it feels so empty. There is this whole that beckons to be filled. I hope to hear him snore, or be so restless that it keeps both of us awake. But there is nothing but silence coming from that side of the bed. Only a dark empty void where he would lay, that is a stark reminder that he is gone. After 42 years together how do I pick up the pieces and move on? Is it any wonder my pillow is stained with tears.
Thinking out loud
You think you have more time so although you don’t mean to you begin to take life and those in it for granted. Then one day they are gone, everything is gone. Your life as you knew it is now in a thousand pieces and you have no idea how to put it back together again. Yes, I have memories many of them but they don’t feel the void or emptiness that floods my life daily. I know I have to go on, need to rebuild my life but I have no idea how to do that. Some days the pain cuts so deep that no one could understand and no one ever will. But somewhere deep inside I know to turn to Jesus and I manage to find the faith to believe that it will no be like this forever.
He who trusts in the Lord, mercy shall surround him. (Psalm 32;10)
Then I force myself to shed the guilt for having moments of happiness and peace. Because how could I be happy living the life I knew Tom wanted to live. It’s such a jumbled mess of emotions and I never know what will trigger the outpouring of tears, anger, or sadness. Something as simple as hearing his voice on a recording we made in a book for our grandson. Oh, how the memories flooded my mind at that moment and the vision of the two of us sitting together on the sofa reading the book as it recorded our voices. How proud and excited Tom was to do that. Then the tears flood my cheeks and I long to hear his voice again. To hold me once more to say it will be ok even if he isn’t convinced himself. He often knew exactly what to say to bring comfort when I was sad, hurt, or angry. That is not replaceable.
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I question every decision and choice I make wondering if it is the right one. Then the “if only’s” creep back in. If only I would have paused longer, thought more clearly, prayed more deeply. Would I still be in this place? Where would I be now?
Am I really living the life God has chosen for me, or did I make things happen on my own and now expect God to fix it so I will have peace of mind? Those emotions come and go like the tide washing into shore. I’m reminded to surrender my broken heart to the Lord and trust in his promises of eternal life. For I know that in this world we will have trials but take heart for HE has overcome the world. (paraphrase from John 16:33)
My prayer
Father God, I thank you that You’re the living God who gives me everlasting life. I pray that you continue to give me hope to comfort me in this season of loss and grief. Amen
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What does it look like for you to surrender your troubles to God? How do you give your grief over to the Lord? How do you let go and let God?
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When I read this post, it was like reading what I would have written as I feel exactly the same about my loss. Thanks for voicing your feelings so well, Renee. Bless you and your family.
Thank you for your comments, God bless you and your family to.