I often think if only I could not feel so guilty because I have moments that make me smile. How can I sometimes feel so empty and alone and other times have peace? Why does society try to dictate how long one should grieve or what that should look like? Everyone is different and so are the circumstances. Therefore my grief will look very different from anyone else. So why do I second guess my actions and thoughts?
Can’t say goodbye
I’ve heard people say well it’s been almost 2 years you need to move on, get over it. My thoughts go to “are you kidding me.” How the heck do you get over 42 years of marriage? How can you wake up one morning kiss your spouse goodbye, go off to work then come home and find him dead? I’m supposed to just move on, forget the life we built together and build a new life. I can’t do that, I’m so tired of pretending everything is ok. I hate when someone asks me how am I doing? Because what I really want to say is it sucks, I’m frustrated, lonely, feel abandoned, empty, and angry often all at the same time. Instead, I’m forced to say I’m fine, or I’m doing. Because I know the person asking couldn’t handle how I am really doing. No one can, no one can understand the depth of the loss I feel.
Finding my way
I know that many people can’t understand how one could turn to God when a loved one dies. My faith is the only thing I have to hang on to. I can’t explain why. Even though at times I have told God I am angry with him that he called Tom home to be with him. I know in my heart that this heartbreak will one day be healed. I know that his love for me is so great that in my grief he is grieving with me. My life as I once knew it is over it has been forever changed. I’m faced with the task of finding my way and trusting that my God has something great for my life.
“For I know the plans I have for you, “declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11) It’s that promise that gives me the courage to fight through this season of grief.
Tis the season
Just as Fall turns in to Winter and Winter to Spring, then Summer no season lasts forever. So I choose today to trust and believe that this season of my life will turn in to something beautiful. Even when I don’t feel like God is working in my life I choose to trust that he is.
“So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)
No apology’s
Some days I don’t feel like being nice. I make no apology’s for there are days when the emotions are overflowing and overwhelming. When the tears come and I’m not sure I can stop them or that I want to. Even though I know God is with me those rivers of emotions can be daunting. There are days when my faith feels weak and it’s all I can do to keep the hope that you are with me. That you will always be with me and go before me in all I do. My only apology is to you Lord, that you forgive me for my moments of weakness.
Sometimes there is doubt
If I had the answers to all my questions maybe I would understand the journey better. Sadly I have days that doubt creeps in. I have to remind myself that I am human, not perfect, and that God understands my times of doubt. You see I doubt that I am making the right choices, doing what I am called to do, and being where I am supposed to be. Those are the days when I go searching for answers and turn to God’s words. That is when I need to be reminded that I am a child of God, his love is unconditional and never-ending. He goes before me always and makes a pathway. His footprints are unseen but they are there.
Necessary Training
Today I am thankful that I have the means to express my feelings. That as I am guided by the spirit to speak from my heart it has enabled me to find more peace in Christ. I know that this season of my life will not last forever. But it is up to me to allow Christ to heal my broken heart. I have to do the necessary steps just like an athlete has to train to become better it is the same for my spiritual growth. That is essential for my spiritual growth and healing.
“This is the day the Lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it.” Hallelujah!
***********************
Thank you for taking the time to read this weeks blog post. Please take time to subscribe to this blog by going to the subscribe tab on the home page. I promise you will not be spammed and I don’t sell off my subscriber list. If you already subscribe to the blog I thank you from the bottom of my heart. May God continue to bless you each day.
I can’t even imagine …. or would even want to …. and gosh how we so feel for you, Renee … I have so MUCH respect for your vulnerability …. You keep being you…. ( & you yell, you scream, you kick …. ) God CAN Handle it…. i am SO Grateful you Know Him …and i KNOW it Blesses Him, that you … Haven’t. Given. Up. On. Him. I LOVE you …. ♡ ….
I feel behind on your posts but I will be catching up so real and encouraging. I love it when you said “no season lasts forever. So I choose today to trust and believe that this season of my life will turn in to something beautiful. ” I think about this a lot, seasons do change that’s why we as Christians should not judge we have all had different seasons some are difficult and I wouldn’t want someone I meet to come to a conclusion of who I am according to the season I am and that is why I believe when we recognize we all are in different seasons and truly love each other we will pray and listen and encourage each other. God is faithful He walks with us in the valleys and the good times and all the in-betweens I am with you Renee not sure what I would do without Him and the comfort of the Holy Spirit.