No Goodby

I finally have allowed myself to admit part of my grief is that I never got to say goodby. It never occurred to me that I had been blocking those feelings and thoughts all this time. Because when I left that morning for work it was like any other morning. He had made me breakfast, packed a lunch for me, then kissed me by and see you tonight. So like many other days, I simply took for granted that I would see him when I arrived home from work. Our conversation on my lunch break was short and just a chance to touch base and check to see how I was doing. He did that so very often which sometimes led to flowers waiting for me when I got home, or some of my favorite foods for dinner, or a nice hot bubble bath and glass of wine so I could relax before dinner. Sometimes he would show up at work with a flower, or candy, or some other little treat. It was one of the many ways he expressed his love.

Stuffing those feelings

I’ve spent these last 756 days telling myself I’m ok, it will be ok and I have managed to stuff all my feelings of loss. Mostly due to being told I need to keep moving forward. That I have such a great opportunity to build a new life, create a new me. Well, what if I don’t want a new life, or a new me? I’d rather have Tom alive than create all this new stuff. We had 43 years together filled with a vast number of ups, downs, ins, and outs but always focused on keeping God at the center of our marriage. That is how we managed our lives. It was this faith that helped us through some very difficult times. So no matter how crazy or difficult it got we had each other and more importantly, we had Jesus Christ to lean on. Now all I have is my faith.

New beginnings

Throughout my life, I have had to adjust to new beginnings. As a child, we moved around every few years. So starting over was part of my life. After my marriage to Tom, we stayed put for several years then we had numerous times to start a new beginning. Moving to Arizona was one of the biggest adjustments we had to make. Traveling across the country with 3 small children and a large dog all while pulling a Uhaul trailer behind our small car. No place to really live and no jobs to go to. But we knew that is where the Lord wanted us to be. So many things transpired during our 35 years of living there. Moving into our 1st home so shortly after we arrived. Then 1yr later to buy our 1st home was a blessing from God. Then 15 yrs later we built a new house and moved in. So you would think starting over would not feel so awkward. But all those other times I was never alone to start again. I had my family as a child, then my husband after marriage. Now it’s just me and my fur kids to handle what ever life throws at me.

Seasons of life

Is it any wonder that when we enter a new season of our life that we may feel overwhelmed, confused, alone, and even lost? Imagine how those feelings can be so very strong after the death of your spouse. I realize that someone reading this may have not lost a spouse, maybe it was their job, their family through a divorce, their business or home all due to this virus stuff. Loss comes from a variety of avenues and often can go unnoticed as a loss. As I look back over my life especially these last 756 days I can see how many different seasons of life I walked through. I can also see how Jesus Christ was there with me every step of the way. It may have not felt like it at the time, but I can see that he was. I would not be at this point in my life if I had to do this alone. So while I journey through this uncomfortable season of my life I will focus on how much I am loved by our Heavenly Father.

Not alone

Even if I have days where I feel very alone, there is always some way I am reminded that is not true. Sometimes right after I turn on pandora the song that is playing is exactly what I needed to hear. It touches my soul and even if the tears flow it still warms my heart. It is a reminder that I am not alone. It reminds me that the Lord feels my pain and grieves with me. He understands my pain more than anyone else could. I can find comfort in that thought. Then moving forward doesn’t seem too big to handle.

My refuge

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” (Psalm 46:1)NIV

I once read that when we are at our lowest and feel like nothing is left, it is then we often will finally lookup. Finding strength and refuge in the Lord. Learning that without Jesus as my guide and guardian every day can seem like a climb up Mt. Everest; cold, long, scary, and dangerous. So even though I am physically alone it’s not completely true. Because I do have hope and hope builds my faith. My faith in Jesus grows and gets stronger. I know that is what the ultimate goal in my life needs to be. Saying thank you to the Lord for being here with me as I struggle through this pain. Because I know and believe that if I didn’t have hope this season of my life would be unbearable.

I will find refuge in the Lord and he will continue to hold me close. I am a child of God, no one can take that away from me. This too shall pass and peace will reign in my spirit. One day the memories will not hurt so deeply but instead will be looked upon fondly.

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you: I do not give to you as the world gives, Do not Let your heart be troubled, and do not be afraid. (John 14:27) NIV

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Ending Note..

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May God bless you and give you his peace