When I find myself feeling overwhelmed with grief it’s all I can do to change my attitude and see the goodness in my life. I am very aware of how my attitude can make a day or break the day. But sometimes it is just too hard to fight the latter. Being a Christian doesn’t exclude me from bad things happening, but it does give me the strength to get through them. Sometimes relying on the Lord to be my compass is not always foremost in my mind.
Blank pages
Sometimes I sit at my desk and stare at a blank page on my computer. Trying to find the right words to put down. So often I struggle because I’m trying to write what I think would sound good. Which means I try to sensor what I am about to share. But deep down I know that is not what the Holy Spirit is guiding me to do. If I am to trust that this blog is for the benefit of someone then I also must trust that what I share has to be open and honest. No matter how ugly the feelings may get. So my hope is that in being willing to share those feelings a heart will be healed and faith will continue to grow.
“Let not the floodwaters overflow me, nor let the deep swallow me up.” (Psalm 69:15)
My lifeline
As the 2 year anniversary of Tom’s death looms just ahead, I still can’t grasp the full weight of all that has happened in these last 23 months. As I try to remember those days and weeks after his death they still are a blur. I only know that without all those amazing friends and friends of friends I would never have been able to accomplish what I did. I believe God was there in the midst of all that went on. He knew that I would need lots of help and often too stubborn to ask for it. My lifeline these past months have been clinging on to my faith. To say that it’s been easy would be a lie. There have been many days when I ask the “why” question even though if I am really honest with myself I know that is not the question to ask.
When faced with storms in my life it is easy to ask why me. But then remembering when those storms pass and life seems good, also ask why me? Because as I look back on these last few months I have received many blessings. Things like when my health insurance was reinstated for no apparent reason; selling some property I owned so quickly. Getting help with some financial issues I was facing. There have been so many times when he has shown up in the smallest of ways and when I least expect it. Always reminding me he is near. He will lead me I only need to follow.
“I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (Matt. 28:20)
Staying positive
Keeping up the appearance that everything is fine can sometimes be exhausting. At the same time making sure it doesn’t look like I am enjoying life so much that my grief is long gone. If anyone knew us they would know that forgetting Tom would be impossible he was such a huge part of my life? Sometimes I need to force myself to believe he would want me to keep going, keep moving forward, and learn to enjoy life again. This brings me to one of my favorite songs “Tell your heart to beat again” by Danny Gokey. I have listened to that song more times than I can begin to count. It reminds me that I can find peace and happiness again. It’s ok to breathe again and face this new life with the grace and peace that comes from faith in Jesus Christ. So I choose to believe that Christ dwells within me and through the Holy Spirit I will come through this season with a deeper faith and trust in him.
You got this
I know I have said this many times throughout my posts, but it bears repeating; “let go and let God”. Those words hold such power if you truly trust in him. After all, there is nothing in this world that is too big, too hard, or too heavy for him to overcome. Remember he overcame death and if he can do that then nothing is impossible. Mountains move, darkness becomes light, grief is turned to peace and my heart will not ache as it does. The pain will fade but the memories will remain. He has rescued me.
I believe!
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May God bless you and give you his everlasting peace. ❤️
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