My journey these last 2 years has been anything but uneventful. I so often still find it hard to believe that I am a widow, living in a place that most people dream of visiting and wonder how I got here. Was all this really in God’s plan and did I truly follow his guidance? I am learning that this is the road less traveled simply because no one else can come with me. Before you jump up and say how can that be many people have dealt with the death of a spouse or loved one. That is true but everyone must make the journey through grief in their own way. Everyone’s experience is very different from the next person’s because the relationship they had with the loved one is unique. We all know that grief is a process and has no time limit so quite often it’s a road that many want to avoid.
Truth be told if given a choice this is not a road I would have picked to travel down. When I first arrived here on this small little island I thought things would go smoothly. Maybe I would hit a few bumps here and there but never did I imagine that this road would be filled with so much disdain. Coming to a place that couldn’t be more off course than I ever imagined. Thinking I could adjust since I had visited here so often over the past several years. What I didn’t take into account is that I always had Tom with me or I could go back home to him. Now, this is my home and there is nowhere to go back to. No one to run to when I am feeling lost and alone.
I have had to learn to lean on no one else but me which has strengthened my faith. I wouldn’t be where I am or able to handle the storms that seem to blow my way. But I still at times long for loving arms to pull me in give me a big hug and tell me everything is going to be ok. I truly do miss that. ❤️ Today was one of those days when I longed to feel his arms around me I always felt so safe there. It was like getting a hug straight from God.
If I didn’t have to always put on this “everything is ok” face maybe things wouldn’t feel so empty. But I must force myself to move forward. I can not change the past even knowing that it still doesn’t make it easy to move forward. That is one of the reasons I started to blog, my hope was in writing out my feelings, frustrations, and hopes that would help heal my broken heart. I like to think and believe that it is helping but then there are days when I wonder if I am moving forward or simply pretending I am.
While I am traveling down this road less traveled I pray that one day it will lead me to feel whole again. When I crawl in bed for the night I won’t wish he was there beside me, or when I wake in the morning as I gaze across the room it won’t be because I am searching for someone to say good morning to me. So I take it one step at a time, one day at a time. If I keep busy I don’t have time to feel lonely, have heartache, or that emptiness that comes from the loss of a spouse.
oh God how my heart aches, I know you hear my cries and prayers so take this ache and hold me close. Touch this brokenness and make it whole again. You alone are my anchor and you alone can calm the storm. Even though this road seems dark and lonely I will not turn away for I know you are close beside me. If I keep my mind on God then God will give me peace of mind.
“Because the Lord helps me, I will not be dismayed. Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, determined to do his will. and I know that I will triumph.” (Isaiah 50:7)
Writing this blog has been a true blessing and my gift to the Lord. I believe in all honesty that it is through his spirit that what pours out to the page is what he has guided me to share. I am grateful for those who read this and feel led to share their comments, and or struggles life has thrown at you. My prayer is always that it reaches those God intends it to reach. Thank you for subscribing to my blog. I hope you feel led to share it with others, even though it is my road traveling through grief from the death of my husband, grief comes from many different reasons, I believe the Lord wants it to be shared for those as well. As always if you want to subscribe let me know by signing below.
God bless and may his love, peace, and joy be with you each and every day.
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