Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits. (Psalm 103:2)
As I think about the past 2 years I have come to the realization that sometimes what you pray for comes about not in the way you thought it would. An example is my desire to be closer to the Lord and to have the ability to serve Him in a deeper way. But I never wanted it to be without Tom. So now as I traverse through this new season of my life I am constantly drawn to Jesus for the strength and wisdom to move forward. Each day is indeed a blessing because I am alive and free to make new choices for the day. It gives me the opportunity to be the person God has designed me to be. I can choose to feel sorry for myself and hide or I can choose to step out and live life.
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If I am totally honest most of the time it is a challenge to step out and live life. It is and would be so much easier to just withdraw, be sad and feel like life sucks. There are some days when I really do want to just chuck it all and crawl in a hole and watch the world go by. But then where would I be if I did that? How would that help me have a life I believe Tom would want me to have, that God wants me to have? In the end, it boils down to living a life that is filled with passion, love, joy, peace, hope, and faith. A faith that involves trusting that God has a better plan for my life. Sure that seems to look good on paper, but honestly, it doesn’t look like it in reality. It’s very much like trying to ride out a hurricane alone in the middle of the ocean in a kayak.
Yep, that’s exactly how it is trying to maneuver through grief. There are days when I feel like I am out in the middle of the ocean in a kayak. When I long for just one more conversation with Tom, one more chance to hear his quirking sense of humor, then the reality of all that has happened pours into my soul and I am forced to face those painful feelings all over again.
As I sat here this evening working on what to say and how to say it I realize why I have not made a posting in quite some time. I thought I didn’t have anything left to say. I truly felt that what I was dealing with now was more of the same old stuff and who cares anyhow. But what came to me in my quiet time recently was that this is not for me to judge what is needed to say but if I truly trust that the Lord has his hand in this then his words will come through. It is in my frustration and crazy feeling’s that I am learning to heal this wounded heart. I am learning that when you get to the bottom the only way to look is UP.
I recently met someone who lost their spouse only a short time ago. They expressed so many of the feelings I have dealt with and still deal with. Feelings of loss, confusion, anger, hurt, alone, deep sadness, and so many others. Being a widow or widower puts you in a group outside of anything else. Most people don’t know how to act around you, or what to say for fear they would say the wrong thing. Then there are those that are fearful that being near you could mean it’s contagious and their spouse will die. I know that sounds absurd but I have learned it is true.
So here I am in one of the most beautiful places on earth, a place quite a lot of people would like to live in and most days I feel very alone. I try to keep busy doing volunteer work, visiting my grandchildren, going and listening to music but it doesn’t fill that void. Because there are times when I come home and want to share what the day was like and realize there is no one to share it with. That is a very empty feeling, welcome to the world of being a widow/widower.
When I remind myself that I am not alone, because the Lord is here with me I can find comfort. I know that he understands my pain and loneliness. He alone knows how I feel and how deep the loss cuts. I search for a way to feel his arms around me; sometimes it’s writing in my journal, listening to a song, or staring at the picture I have hanging on my wall. By no means is it very easy to push back the less than desirable feelings and allow his loving grace to comfort me but I know it is crucial if I want to feel whole again.
In the end, leaning on my faith is the only thing that has been a steady rock for me. It is the only way I have managed to make it this far in my life. If I can continue to trust in Jesus and let his plan for my life unfold I believe that he will show me how wonderful life can be. I only need to look at his words and find that promise. One day I will see Tom again and that is a promise from my God.
So no matter what you are healing from, or what is the cause of your grief know that you are never alone and when you feel like you’re at the bottom – just look up, Jesus is there waiting for you to find him.
Thank you for taking the time to read this new post. Please feel free to share it or perhaps leave a comment. If you would like to receive updates on future posts go to the subscribe tab and enter your information. I promise you will not be spammed and only receive updates to the next post. If you are already one of my subscribers I THANK you from the bottom of my heart.
May God bless you and give you his peace.
ThankYou for sharing your blog, glad that you are still writing your blog! A lot of us would not know who to turn to if we did not know & believe & trust in the Lord! We should thank him every day for being there for us.
Blessings
Joe
Love hearing from your heart. God is faithful it comes out all through your writings. I do agree when we pray we have one thing in mind but the way the Lord does things is sometimes very different but He sees the big picture which we can’t see. The verse that I have been meditating on is Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord. …
Thank you, it’s always a blessing to read your comments. I receive them as a gift from the Lord. God is good all the time and he shows up daily in our lives even if we don’t stop to recognize him, he is there.