Thinking out loud…

When I started all this I had no real expectations. I believed it’s was the spirit calling me to do because through my journey it might help others. Now I am not sure what is right.

I’m reading a new book that deals with unmet expectations. I know I have more than my share of those. Every morning when I get up I expect to see the sunshine, no bugs in my apartment and feel rested and awake. Most mornings that is not the case. Ok, the sun does shine here all the time – even when it’s cloudy so that doesn’t count. I usually don’t sleep well sometimes not at all. Therefore feeling rested and awake is not in the cards either. As for the bugs, well it depends on oh, I don’t know what. 🥴 Umm, time to spend in prayer so I can change my state of mind.

Friends?

I once heard the phrase you find out who your true friends are when a crisis hits. Well, sadly I have learned that is a true statement. Whatever the crisis or disaster your life gets thrown into don’t the friends you thought would be there won’t be. People as a whole do not know how to deal with someone struggling through grief. Quietness in a conversation scares the heck out of people. So they just don’t reach out because they have no idea what to say or how to act. When all we need is to know someone is there to listen.

Thankful for the delete key

Sometimes I find myself staring at a blank screen hoping that the words will flow out of me and on to the page. Then if I do start to pound away at the keys on my computer only to discover I shouldn’t say all the things that just poured out. It’s being too vulnerable and maybe even a bit mean. Thankfully there is a delete key and its easy to hit it and wipe away the page. Which often means I’m back to a blank page, to start over. Thus trusting the Lord for inspiration is not as easy as it seems.

If I could say all the things that are bottled up inside of me, would I lose this heavy feeling? But then I ask, who would I dump all this on? That’s when I miss Tom the most, that’s when my heart just aches and the tears just roll down my cheeks. He was the one I could dump all these sad, lonely, ugly feelings on and he would tell me it will be ok. Even if he didn’t believe it he had a way of making it sound better. His faith seemed to shine when mine seemed to be dim. I really do miss him.

Silence is golden

So when you ask if I’m ok, of course, I’ll say yes, because it’s what I know you want and need to hear. Any other comment from me would mean I have to trust you with my feelings. That is scarier than a moment of silence between us. But, sometimes the silence is more soothing than any words one could say.

Final thoughts 😘

As one walks through this grief journey the important fact to remember, that no matter how lonely you feel, you are not alone. Even when I may not feel the Lord’s presence I do believe he is here with me. I’d be the first to admit that there are many times when i second guess the many choices I have made this past year. However, I know that I could have never accomplished the things I have to this point if God was not directing my steps. That small voice reminds me to stop and, say thank you God for bringing me here. For watching over me with your hand of protection and keeping me from wandering in the wrong direction. Because before every blessing there is a testing.

“Let not the floodwater overflow me, nor let the deep swallow me up.” (Psalm 69:15)

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