This Grief stuff sucks!

It seems when I least expect it the tears just come. They come like a freight train roaring down the track. What sets them off is never the same thing and quite often something as simple as a smell, washing a cup, folding a towel, a song, even a commercial. None of this is easy and every time someone says you’re so strong I just want to scream “No I’m not.” Can’t you see that all the things and decisions I had to do in such a short time were done because it had to be?

This grief stuff is hard, painful and exhausting. When will this empty ache deep in my heart go away? Then a still small voice comes and reminds me that Jesus can heal this. That is where I will find peace. I believe each day is a gift which means I must find the courage and strength to go on. I believe my faith is why I am where I am today. Most days I do believe it will get better and the tears will not be as frequent, and the pain will not be so intense.

Do I wish I would have been able to stay in our home for a while? Slowly pack up his things and decide where they should go. Stand in the shower and sob if I want. Most definitely a Yes! How can anyone think I am strong when I feel like a failure. In two short months, I gave up everything we built and moved. Shoving down all the pain deep inside so I could move forward. I’ve been told that I can have a whole new life. What if I don’t want a whole new life. I want our life, our craziness, even the messiness. I want to feel his hand tucked inside mine, to hear his voice tell me it’s all going to be ok. Instead, I am left to pick up the pieces fit them together so this puzzle called life will let me breathe again.

Because when you died, you took a part of me with you. Now I have to learn to be ok because I am not the one who died. I’ve been so busy taking care of things I never allowed myself the time to grieve your death. There was so much that had to be done, I had to be strong. I just kept going, doing and didn’t stop because I was afraid if I did I would never be able to go again. That I’d not be able to get back up and dig myself out of that deep dark place.

The what if’s only cause strife, confusion and guilt. Those are not the feelings God wants me to have. My goal is to find peace, healing, love and happiness. I have to believe you would want me to build a new life, to follow my dreams and reach for the sky. To enjoy life and live it to the fullest. Allow this season I’m in to teach me, to strengthen me and to grow in my faith. Your love for me was endless and no matter what I did you were always there to pick up the pieces. Now I’m finding that I have to lean on God to pick up those pieces. To heal my heart and soul. Because yes, this grief stuff sucks but it too shall pass. My memories of you will always be there and one day I can feel the warmth of those memories instead of pain.

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, “Behold I make all things new.” ( Rev. 21:4-5)