Can you change anything when you worry? Does it make the situation better? Most likely you find yourself so stressed out from the worry that you can’t concentrate on anything else you’re doing. Then you find out the situation either resolved itself better than you thought or it never developed into the problem you imagined. Why do we think we can control what happens around us? When truthfully the only thing we can control is our emotions, reactions and decisions we make. If we can understand that our decisions and choices have consequences then maybe we would stop to listen to that still small voice that is telling us the best choice to make.
I like to think of it as good and bad. For most of my life, I would imagine an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. One represented good decisions and the other bad decisions. One example of that is several years ago as I was driving to an appointment and when I came to the intersection about 1 mile from my house I quickly had to discern whether to go left or straight. I’d heard my spirit say go left. However, I felt going straight would be quicker. It wasn’t because 2 minutes after I crossed the intersection traffic came to a complete stop and behind me was a full-size SUV, behind her was a huge moving van. He didn’t stop and he slammed full force into us. My car was totaled, but I escaped with minor injuries. I listened to the wrong voice.
I could have asked myself why did this happen? Instead, I realized that it was my choice that resulted in this outcome. But even so, God kept me safe. Even when bad thins happen God is there to protect me. It is at this moment that I also need to recognize that I have control over what I do, say or how I react to a situation.
Now as I embark on this new season of my life I often find myself asking what do I do now? How do I figure out who I am? What is my purpose in this life? Most of my adult life consisted of being a wife and mother. Although I am still those things, it looks very different.
Taking time to grieve has been the hardest thing I’ve had to do. Because I am not only dealing with the loss of my spouse of 42 years, I am also dealing with the loss of leaving a home and my life as it was. Trying to figure out who I am isn’t so easy. So excuse me if I repeat myself, this is all so new to me. The flood of feelings sometimes is so overwhelming that I want to ignore them. But I know that wouldn’t be healthy. Instead, I write and somehow putting them on paper seems to help me cope.
I made myself a promise that I would use this time to heal and maybe while I do that I can help someone else heal as well. This season of my life will have an end that is what I believe. I will come out on the other side a better version of me. Because I’ve learned a long time ago that what you think about yourself is what you become. If I continue to think I am lost, alone and have nothing to look forward to then that is what I will get.
If I worry about what tomorrow will bring then I am not giving today the proper attention. It doesn’t allow me the opportunity to see the blessings and little miracles God has for me. Simple things like getting a parking spot close to the door since it’s pouring down rain. Getting all green lights on the way home may seem trivial but 17 of them in a row is not normal. Needing to hear a friendly voice cause I’m sad then a friend calls to see how I’m doing. These are just a few of the blessings I see daily. Worrying is not a positive feeling and only causes more grief, I don’t need more grief in my life right now.
I would love to say it gets easier but that would be a lie. At this point, all I can say is that the numbness, ache, and pain is not as heavy. What this journey is teaching me is to lean more on Jesus and my faith. Knowing that he will provide all that I need when I need it. Patience is a virtue one I am also trying to learn.
Today I choose to keep taking baby steps. Keep moving forward one step at a time. My life is not as it was. It has been shattered into a million little pieces but I will survive. I choose peace not worry or fear. It will one day be beautiful again I have to believe that is what God wants for me too.
“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:17-18 -NIV)
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