Just when I think everything is going along smoothly and the pain isn’t so intense. When I think there is nothing left to bring me to tears or make a deep sadness come over me something comes up to rock my world, just like the lily pads being rocked apart. There is nothing about this grief process that is easy, normal, or can be defined to help others. I’ve learned it is what it is and it sucks. Time does not heal the hurt it simply forces one to learn how to live life differently.
As I started this post I had so many ideas and thoughts I wanted to share. But then somehow they didn’t seem that important to express. Since I try to keep things on a more positive side all while sharing my grief process. It is sometimes a real challenge to not go down that deep dark hole of sadness. I know many who are dealing or have dealt with grief understand what I am talking about. Nothing is easy about this journey and being alone only adds to the sometimes empty, void I feel. If all this was so I could grow closer to the Lord I wish he would have allowed something different to happen. This is a feeling that continues to haunt me, then why now?
Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder what my life would look like if he was still alive. However, in that same thought process, I pause to say thank you Lord for this day and for my life. As I review the past several years I can see how his hand has always brought me through. The many times I needed help and he was there to give me strength, wisdom, courage, or financial assistance. God is good all the time, it’s me who waivers more than I would like to. What’s that saying, spirit willing, the flesh is weak. Oh, how true that can be.
I think of myself as being open to change, I was the person who would rearrange her living furniture often because I’d get bored with it. Would drive Tom crazy, he’d just get used to it being one way and I would change it. (see I moved the lily pads). I learned from a great spiritual mentor that we are more prone to make a change when we become uncomfortable with where we are. So I ask myself when this change came how did it feel like a sucker punch? The answer is because I was not in control of this change someone else was, he moved the lily pads, and when I went to zig they were gone. Then I fell into the water searching for the surface so I could breathe. I think sometimes I am still looking for the surface so I can breathe.
It’s then I search for the song by Danny Gokey, “Tell your heart to breathe again”. that song has ministered to me and has helped heal my heart, now when I hear it I don’t feel like sobbing uncontrollably. Some days I search for songs that I know will speak to my spirit and give me the strength to take the next step. Each day is a new day and it gives me the chance to start over and find new ways to heal, gain strength, wisdom and share the love of Jesus with others. Because I know that my time on earth is limited and each day is a gift, so give me your eyes Jesus so I can see those who need your love. Let me not feel sorry for myself so much so that I forget all that you have done for me. Let my words be your words and my actions be guided by you. This is my prayer today and every day. Give me peace, the peace that passes all understanding because it comes from you, Jesus.
May I stay alert and prayerful so I don’t miss the blessings you provide for me daily. Is it any wonder I have come this far? It’s because I have a friend who reminds me to look forward and not back, and when a sad, negative memory comes to mind replace it with something new. Work on making new memories so when the other ones come they will not sting as much.
So I say go ahead and move the Lilly pads, I dare you. Because no matter what life throws at me I know I can count on the Lord Jesus to walk with me as I journey through the muck.
Dear Jesus, please be with the person reading this post. May they feel your hand upon them, bless them and keep them safe. Keep fear far from them and give them comfort when they need it. Minister to their needs each day and hear their prayers. I thank you Lord that you are good all the time, that your forgiveness is never ending and I only need to ask and it will be done. Thank you for sending your son Jesus to die on the cross for my sins. allowing me to have a personal relationship with you. thank you for the opportunity to share my gifts with others. Amen
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