You’ll be in my heart ❤️

Happy heavenly anniversary my dear. If you were still here on earth we would be celebrating our 44th wedding anniversary on the 12th. Little did either of us know that we would not celebrate another together. How often we joked with each other about it being a lifetime. I could always count on your quirky sense of humor to make it a memorable day. As I look at the little holder above my desk I am reminded of what you would often tell me. “if I could choose again I’d still choose you.” My reminder that no matter what happened you were glad God brought us together, me to.

How I wish I could feel your arms and hear your quirky remarks about getting old together. I never knew how empty life could be without you. So I would gladly take back all the nagging of the little things if I could have more time with you. More time to do the things we talked about doing, being able to take those walks along the beach. Now I take them alone with thoughts of you.

One day the memories will not cut so deep and the pain will not shadow everything I do. Most days I can do that and feel a strong peace in my spirit. But then there are days like our upcoming anniversary. Instead, it’s a sad reminder that you are no longer here. I know you are with the Lord and one day I will see you again. But that doesn’t ease the heartache now.

We often talked about not taking each other for granted. But no matter how hard we worked at not doing that it still would happen. Life is filled with many seasons. Some good and some not so good, but we managed to keep the boat of marriage floating even in rough waters. I know it was because we always kept God at the center of our relationship.

Now I am a wife whose husband lives in heaven and I am learning to be me. I can almost hear you telling me to keep living, “keep breathing, and most of all trust in the Lord. Keep your faith strong and know that you are a child of God. He wants only the best for you so believe it, and know that is what I would want as well. Just because you can’t see me I am still there in your heart and I Love you always even from heaven.”

So I will hold this day in my heart and try and focus on the good memories. All the ways you made me smile even when I didn’t feel like it. The flowers or chocolate-covered strawberries and so many other ways you showed your love for me. Sometimes my anger would be so uncontrollable but you were right there to pull me out of the darkness. Gently reminding me that being mad didn’t really solve the issue. Honestly, I knew you were right but never wanted to admit it. Thank you for loving me so unconditionally.

“With God behind you and His arms beneath you, you can face whatever lies ahead of you.” (Our daily bread)

Believing there is a reason

Now as this anniversary day comes and goes, I hope you know that you will forever be in my heart. I will take all the memories and store them neatly in my mind. One day I will be able to recall them and instead of tears, it will bring a smile and warmth to my heart. They say this season of grief has no time limit and no one can understand. But I know that is not completely true, because I believe Jesus knows and understands. It is my belief that God is with me in everything even if I don’t see it or feel it at that moment. Therefore I am choosing to believe that this season has a reason and I will come out of it stronger with a deeper faith.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11)

I am holding on to that promise and believing that good will come. This fog will lift and my tears will be for happy memories and not the pain of your death. So happy anniversary my dear, I miss you and know that you will always be in my heart. Thank you for giving me 42 amazing years of love.